#771: The Dreamer Awakenson April 7, 2017 at 1:30 am
There's still a rather loud voice in my head that gets in the way of everything creative. It yells at me about how bad I am. How I'll never measure up to anything I love or anyone I care about. I'll never be an animator. I'll never be an artist. I wasted my life, and now all that's left is to stare up through the glass ceiling at everything better than me and better than what I'll ever do. Younger, better, stronger willed people will make the world a better place than I could ever make it.
Sometimes I fight back. Most of the time I lose.
But sometimes it goes away, and I can make comics. Art. Things I can be happy about and contribute to the world. Even if it's only a handful of people.
I hope and pray that someday that voice will give up and go away for good. Bullies don't do that though. They never go away. They need to be destroyed and driven off... I think the only thing that could ever do that would be to secure a job as an animator somewhere locally. To complete my commission list, to get all my Patreon rewards done...
And that voice clearly doesn't want that to happen. I don't like thinking of myself as broken or faulty, but that's what the voice has drilled into my skull.
Sometimes my comic will be late because the voice is too loud for me to think straight. I'm sorry. I'm working on it with friends, family, and logic. Thank you for your patience.